When I came back here, Abby’s dad and his brother picked us up from the Chicago O’Hare airport. I stayed with Kenny and Tylin (Joe’s brother and sister in law) for a month. They lived out in the middle of no where and I had no transportation to get to Cedar Rapids and I wanted to get a job, get my own apartment and raise my daughters. So in December, just right before Christmas I came back to Cedar Rapids. At the time, my mom’s boyfriend wouldn’t allow me and the kids to live with them, so we stayed in the Catholic Worker House (a shelter here where you get your own room and they give you so many months to get on your feet). The only bad thing about staying there was I had to leave at 7a and I couldn’t go back until 3p. It was cold outside and I had no transportation and I had two small children with me. My mom started taking Abby and Katelyn so I could go out and look for a job. One day, I was out looking for a job and I ran into an old highschool friend of mine, Mike. We talked for a bit, he told me about his girlfriend and I told him about what I was going through. He offered for me to stay with him until I got my own place. I was skeptical because they only had a one bedroom apartment. On New Years day I got my car back. Before I left to Arizona my 1991 Pontiac Gran Dam broke down. The auto place that was fixing it, Mt. Vernon Rd Auto Center here in Cedar Rapids, said they would hold onto it until I could get it back. I finally got the money, from my FIP check that month. So, now I had transportation. One night, I decided to go to Mike and Laura’s. I was there kinda late and I had to get back to the shelter, curfew was at 9p and it was already 8:30p. So I left but on the way back I got pulled over because my head light was out. By the time I got back to the shelter it was after 9p. I showed them my ticket and they said I had to leave in the morning. So the next day I took Mike up on his offer and stayed with him. Since he only lived in a one bedroom I let my mom keep Abby and Katelyn until I could get into my own place.

I’m not going to lie and I’m not going to leave anything out. Mike smoked pot. But he never pressured me to do it and if I had Abby and Katelyn over he never smoked it with them there, and he never had any of his pipes or anything out, even when they weren’t there. I’ve known Mike since I was 12 years old and I trusted him. He was like a brother to me.

In middle January of 2003 I found out I was pregnant, 17 weeks pregnant. I was scared. I found out at that first ultrasound that I was having a girl. At first I didn’t want Tony to know but I felt he had a right to know. So I contacted his dad to find out where Tony was. See, shortly after I left, Tony left. He was staying a friend’s house here in Cedar Rapids. So I called over there and when his friend told me he was home I went there. Tony came out of the apartment, I stayed in my car. I showed him the ultrasound picture. He congratulated me and the baby’s father, then I told him he was the father. He started crying and apologizing. I didn’t want to hear it, I wasn’t there to “make up”…I was there to tell him about his child. He started asking me where I was staying so I told him. He then offered to talk to his friend Nichelle and her husband Arturo about letting me have the basement so I could have Abby and Katelyn with me. I told him I would think about it and I left.

Around this time, my mom let Joe (Abby’s dad) take Abby for a “visit” but he never gave her back. It took days for me to get a hold of him and when I did he said he was keeping Abby until I got back on my feet, which I was trying. He wouldn’t tell me where Abby was and he wouldn’t even let me talk to her or see her. He had her for a little over a week when my mom cooked up a “plan” to get Abby. We scheduled an eye doctor appointment, we told Joe and his mom it was a follow up since Abby has glasses. We told them the day and time and told them they needed to have her there. The plan was for me to stake out the eye doctor’s and when I would see them I would go in and take Abby. Since there was no custody agreement between me and Joe there was nothing nobody could do, especially if it wasn’t Joe taking her to the appointment. As I was staking out the eye doctor’s, 10 minutes past the time of her appointment, my mom called me on my cell phone. She sounded so happy and her exact words were “Abby’s here, she’s here…come get her…she’s here”. So I did. I went and got Abby. We went to Mike’s where Abby watched cartoons, with me. It was time for Abby to go to bed and I was tired so we laid down (on the floor because Mike’s girlfriend fell asleep on the couch). I couldn’t get any sleep that night because I was watching Abby sleep. The next morning, another old friend of mine, Cory, called Mike’s. I answered. He asked if Mike had any dish soap and I told him yes. He then asked if I could bring some over so I got Abby ready and we went over there with the dish soap.

When I got to his apartment it was Cory and a friend of his that was there. I met his friend a few times and he was nice. His girlfriend was a sweetheart. As Cory and I were talking, Abby was in the living room watching Dr. Doolittle. Within 15 minutes she fell asleep. Cory’s friend was asleep and I was tired so I asked if I could lay down for a bit. He let me lay down in his bed where I fell asleep. Cory said he would wake me up when Abby woke up. I woke up to a police officer.

I was confused as to why the police were there. I went to the leave the bedroom but the officer wouldn’t let me. He then started asking me if I knew where my daughter was. I told him, she’s asleep on the couch. He then started telling me to try again. I kept telling him she was asleep on the couch. I started panicking, fearing the worst. What happened to Abby? I started crying. The officer wasn’t telling me anything. He then escorted me outside where I saw 3 police cars and a State of Iowa car. I remembered seeing those at the DHS office but I didn’t know what it was doing here. The officer asked if the gray Gran Dam was mine and I said yes. He started asking me questions about Abby, how old she was, what she looked like. I told him and I kept asking “What happened? Where’s my daughter?” This whole time I’m crying and freaking out because I didn’t know what was going on. The officer finally told me what happened. While I was sleeping Abby had woken up, gotten out of the apartment and was found by a neighbor who called the police. Abby told them she didn’t know where her mommy was and said that the gray car was ours. When the officer told me that my heart stopped. I felt sick to my stomach. I asked if she was ok and if I could see her, he then led me to his police car where Abby was sitting in the back (UNATTENED MIGHT I ADD, IN A RUNNING POLICE CAR WITHOUT THE DIVIDER THING). Abby saw me and started crying “Mommy! Mommy!!” I opened to door and grabbed her and held her and started crying. The officer told me to buckle her in, without a carseat and after I did he started asking me questions like what I was doing, if I had been smoking pot, etc. I told him no. He started accusing me of my eyes being “glossed over”. I told him it’s because I’ve been crying non stop for the past 15 minutes. He told me he didn’t believe me so I offered to pee in a cup, right then and there to prove it. He chuckled and told me to get into the car. I was in the backseat with Abby for about a half hour when the police officer opened the front passenger side door. He asked me again if I had been smoking pot. Again, I told him no. Why would I lie? He told me that they found pot under the couch and that there was a sharp knife on the kitchen table (which wasn’t there before I laid down). I was angry. I was scared but my fear was nothing compared to how Abby must have felt. I felt terrible. I didn’t think anything like this would ever happen. I started praying. I started wishing for a chance to go back in time and not even go over to Cory’s. I held Abby the whole way to the police station where a DHS worker started asking me questions, in this little room, with Abby there. She was asking me if I was having sex with Cory around the time Abby got out of the apartment. I told her no, no I wasn’t having sex with him and if I was it wasn’t any of there business. How was I to know that Abby was going to get out of the apartment? They started talking to me like I meant for it to happen. Why would I mean for something like that to happen?

After asking me a lot of questions like my living situation, my family, etc the DHS worker asked if I had anyone who would take Abby. I told her my mom so she left the room and called her. A few minutes later she returned and said she was taking Abby to my mom’s. I asked her what was going to happen and she explained that I was getting charged with child endangerment and I would get an assesment soon. I gave Abby a hug and a kiss and told her “Mommy is so sorry. I love you sweetie. I’m sorry.” I started crying, Abby started crying when the DHS worker picked her up and I could hear Abby crying “Mommy! Mommy!” as she carried her out of the room. Next thing I knew, a police officer came into the room, put hand cuffs on me and took me to the Linn County Jail, where I stayed one night.

Staying that night in jail and being 4 months pregnant was scarey. I didn’t sleep, I didn’t eat, I was worried. I didn’t know what was going to happen to Abby and Katelyn. I knew they were with my mom but I was still worried. The next morning we had to see the judge, the “inmates”. The judge talked to people through this tv in this little room. After calling everyone’s names, I was the last one in the room. I just sat there. The guard came up to me and I asked her why my name wasn’t called. She told me she’d be back in a few minutes and when she came back she said that I wasn’t even suppose to be there. I guess DHS wasn’t going to press charges for child endangerment. So, a half hour later, I was released. I walked 14 blocks to get my car which after I started driving it, it started over heating so I had to stop at a gas station to put water in the radiator, just temporarily. I was lost, not literally, but confused, tired, hungry, scared, worried. I kept trying to call my mom but she was mad at me, every right to be too. I drove by her house to see if I could see Abby and Katelyn and I couldn’t, I didn’t stop. So I contacted Tony and I moved in with his friend.

For the next few months I waited. I had an appointment with the DHS worker who was there that day, my mom and Joe were there. It took a little over a month to get a DHS worker. When I did get one, his name was Kevin, he suggested I move into these apartments called Inn Circle. They are transitional housing for people who are homeless and who are trying to get on their feet. He said once I got into there I could start seeing Abby and Katelyn. Eventually within this time my mom started talking to me again so she was letting me go to her house to see the girls. I finally got an apartment a month later. It was an efficiency. In order to get a 2 bedroom I had to be working 30 hours a week and attend life skills classes. Well, I tried getting job but when everyone found out, at that time I was 7 months pregnant, they wouldn’t hire me. I finally applied at a temp agency, Sedona Staffing. I wore a large sweetshirt to cover up my belly. They called me a few days later asking if I wanted to work at a plastics factory in West Branch, IA. I said yes, even though it was a half hour away, it was a job and there was a chance I could get hired. My first day was the next day. The next day I went to work. The supervisor was shocked that I was pregnant, she told me she didn’t think that Sedona would send someone who was pregnant. We laughed and she said that as long as I could do the job I’d be fine. I worked there for about a month. I loved it. I basically sorted through parts to Amana refrigerators. If they were defected, not molded right I tossed them out and packaged the good ones. When my feet hurt people would bring me a bucket to rest one foot at a time. They even gave me a carpet rug to stand on. I loved it there. The supervisor kept putting in good words for me to be hired on permanently. But…I started experience bad back pain. So bad, that at times my legs would go numb. My pregnancy started to become more uncomfortable, back pain all the time, hip pain, leg pain. The doctor advised me not to work. Then there was the gestational diabetes scare, the high blood pressure scare, the doctor basically told me to be on bed rest, not the strict bed rest but I had to limit my activity. After several ultrasounds and tests the doctor found the reason why I was always in so much pain, I had to taking sleeping pills to go to sleep. Sarah, was sideways in my uterus, head first, facing my spine. So, on my birthday I had to go in and have an inversion (I think that’s what it was called). They gave me muscle relaxers and with the help of an ultrasound machine the doctor, a different doctor, an OBGYN surgeon, started pressing on my uterus to turn Sarah. It was painful.

To skip ahead, Sarah was born on June 16th (on her due date). She had to stay a week in the NICU due to breathing complications. She weighed 9 lbs 11 and half ounces and was 22 inches long. I spent every single day with her in the NICU, even when it was time for check ups with the post natal nurse. I didn’t want to leave my daughter’s side. The first day I got to hold her, besides the few seconds I had with her after her birth, was 3 days after she was in the NICU because she was in an oxygen tent. I never put her down since, except when I had to go to the bathroom or eat which wasn’t long.

Anyways, DHS kept promising me they wouldn’t take Sarah or Katelyn. But they decided to put Katelyn on the CINA petition so I could get speech services and parenting help for her. So they lied to me, AGAIN.

Then one day, our world came crashing down. I let my daughter’s grandma have her overnight one night when I had the kids. I gave her a bath that morning before she went over there, they picked her up that afternoon. On Sunday, they called to tell me they were making a report with DHS because Abby had a bruise on her bottom and she says my mom’s boyfriend Jeff hit her with a book. Funny thing is, I didn’t see a bruise on her bottom when I was giving her a bath and I had them for a few days before this. So if Jeff caused a bruise I would have seen something. DHS filed a report and within a week decided to remove Abby and Katelyn from my mom’s care. They didn’t even have PROOF to remove them. My mom called me the day they were coming over so I went to her house and took Abby and Katelyn. Abby was suppose to be going to her dad and they were going to send Katelyn to emergency foster care. Nobody knew where I was. I called Abby’s dad to tell him that I was keeping Abby but everyone kept telling me that if I kept her I would go to jail for breaking a court order, which me and my mom never saw, and kidnapping. So, unwillingly I let him take her. But I kept Katelyn until the next day. I was suppose to take her to the DHS office and drop her off with the worker. Well…I showed up without Katelyn, my mom and had her. The worker asked me where she was and I told him I wasn’t letting them have her, that all of this was nuts. My mom would never ever allow anyone to hurt her grandchildren and if Jeff did hit Abby she would have known and he would have been sent to the curb. But they accused me of lying, protecting my mom and they accused my mom of lying. This was a Friday and after arguing with the worker he agreed to let me have Katelyn that weekend. I had Katelyn sleep in bed with me, with Sarah, I didn’t leave their side. I was worried about Katelyn going into Foster Care. I remember talking to Joe’s sister in law (Joe is Abby’s dad). She has 4 children of her own and she’s real nice and a really good mother to her kids. I told her what was going on with Katelyn and she said she would take her. So Monday, when I took Katelyn to the DHS office, I told him that I wanted Katelyn to go with Joe’s sister in law and brother since she knows them. Katelyn has a hard time opening up to people she doesn’t know. She ended up going to temporary foster care for a week. The DHS worker convinced his supervisor to let Katelyn go to Joe’s sister in law and brother’s. It hurt to leave her with the DHS worker. I cried and she cried. As I was walking out of the room I could hear her cry “Mommy! Mommy!” My heart was breaking. Since the day Katelyn was born, I was the only one in her life. I was the only parent she’s known.

As the months passed, I was doing everything DHS wanted me to do. Then one day DHS sent me a letter saying they recommended putting Sarah on the CINA petition. I called my attorney and he said we could contest it. At the hearing I asked the worker, outside the court room, on what grounds does he have to put Sarah on the CINA petition. He said because I was denying her medical care. That was BS! The story behind that is, when Sarah was in daycare, out at the transitional housing place I lived, she came down with rotavirus. She was running a fever so I picked her up from daycare but I took her to the ER right away, where they admitted her for dehydration. I was worried it was my fault and they no, it was the rotavirus. She stayed in the hospital for 5 days where I stayed to…I even lost my job because I did but that didn’t matter. Staying with my child was more important then leaving to go to work and if my boss couldn’t understand that then I was working at the wrong place, Taco Bell, by the way. The day care kept telling me how concerned they were because every now and then Sarah’s feet and hands would turn cold and purple. I kept telling them that it was raynard’s syndrome (something like that). I had already had Sarah seen by a specialist, a cardio. She had an echo done, x rays to check and see if her lungs were working properly and blood tests. I had all this done before I got her into daycare and I even told the lady who enrolled her about it. The daycare “didn’t believe me”. They said if I didn’t get her to see the doctor they were going to report me to DHS. So even after I got reports from the doctor, they said they didn’t believe me and told my worker. With that, on top of one night it was raining and I ran out to my car to get something out of the glove box. I saw lightening so I hurried to get in the car and get out. As I was closing the door I didn’t move my head out of the way and ended up smacking myself with the corner of the door right above my eye. I ended up going to the ER for stitches, 2 layers, 8 stitches per layer. DHS accused me of being drunk and getting into a fight. Even after I showed them reports from the ER saying the doctor didn’t suspect intoxication they didn’t understand it so kept accusing me anyway. It’s frustrating when you KNOW the truth and people accuse you of lying.

Before the next hearing, I was cleaning Sarah up after eating lunch. Someone was knocking on the door but what I was doing was more important then answering the door. I was changing Sarah’s diaper and getting her ready to take a nap. This was May of 2004. Then the knocking stopped but my phone rang. After getting Sarah layed down I called who called me back. It was the office to where I lived. They said I had visitors. Confused as to why whoever was visiting me would go to the office to have them call me. Then the knocking started again. I peeked out the peep hole and only saw my DHS worker. I didn’t know why he was there so I answered. When I opened the door I saw him wave at someone and then I saw a cop come up to him. I asked them what they were doing here and he said he was here to take Sarah. I went to close the door and lock it but they pushed against me. The officer told me to do this without any fighting so I don’t end up going to jail. But I was devastated. I told the worker that Sarah was laying down for a nap…I had her on a good routine that I didn’t want disrupted and told him to come back after her nap. He said he wouldn’t. I started asking him to see the court order so he showed it to me. I was reading it, and while I was I called my attorney. I accused my attorney of lying to me because he said that DHS couldn’t remove Sarah until the next court hearing because I contested it. He kept apologizing and he was telling me to do what they say. I ripped the court order and told my attorney and the DHS worker to “f off!” and “go to hell!”. I hung up on my attorney and went into Sarah’s room to hold her because she was crying. The cop followed me. I told the cop to back off and leave me alone. He just stood there. I started yelling at him, asking him he has children and how he would like it if his kids were being taken away. So, he left the room. I just held Sarah. She started to fall asleep in my arms. I contemplated jumping out the window with her…I was on first floor and there’s only less then a foot difference between the window and the ground. I was tempted but then I started fearing going to jail. The cop came back in to check on me and told me they had to go now. I started yelling, threatening to take the worker’s children while him and his wife were sleeping and threatening to take cop’s children. The cop started backing me into the wall so I pushed him telling him to leave me alone. This whole time I was crying. I yelled to my worker to drop dead and told them there was no way they were getting Sarah from me without cutting my arms off. Then the cop said he was going to call back up and put his hand on his handcuffs. So I told him to let me do it….let me take her to the car. I got some of her clothes together and some of her toys (all but a blue bear that I have to this day, that was her bear she slept with, chewed on, she got it in the NICU). So..I walked with the worker to the car, the whole time threatening him, and I buckled Sarah in. He told me he had to go, that I had to shut the door. I asked him how I’m suppose to say good bye, how I’m suppose to do this. He then asked if I wanted to go with him to take Sarah to the emergency child care because the foster parents she was going to were out of town for the next two days. I asked him about keeping Sarah since he let me keep Katelyn and he said he has a court order that Sarah is to go to the emergency child care. It was upsetting to leave her there but I knew she was in good arms because she was with the same lady that watched her overnight when I had my tubes tied a month after she was born.

Months went by and no matter what I did was good enough to DHS. Everything I did always got turned around to be a bad thing. My mom left town and let me move into her house thinking it’s stable housing and with me working and having a good running car, going to my appts. would get my kids back but it didn’t.

In October of 2004 I signed my rights away to Katelyn. Seeing how happy Katelyn was with Joe’s sister in law and how well she adjusted I knew it would be selfish of me to remove her. I had my final visit with her in early November. But I still get to see her when I want and she knows I’m her mom and that Tylin is her adopted mom.

In November 2004 I signed my rights away to Sarah because I couldn’t fight anymore and I knew no matter how hard and how long I fought I wasn’t going to get her back. Also, DHS drilled it into my head that I wasn’t a good mother, when I knew and everyone that knew me knew I was. And I am. I wanted to have Sarah a better life, a life without DHS. And I couldn’t provide that to her because I knew even if I got her back they would always be watching, waiting for me to mess up just so they could take her again. Sarah deserves better then that.

It’s hard, every day. I miss her so much every day. It’s hard and my heart breaks to think that because of DHS we have to go through life without eachother. Abby misses her sister everyday. When we start thinking about Sarah, start missing her, I hold the blue bear and it helps but it doesn’t make the pain go away. It helps for Abby too, to play with the bear or sleep with the bear. We call it ‘Sarah’s Bear’.

I wrote enough. If I write anything else I’ll put it in a new blog. Thanks for reading this. Comments are welcome.